December 23, 2008

SIGNS OF THE TIMES

IDEA # 014 ASSTOOS 

Except for a care bear heart on my butt...... there is really nothing one can get tattooed on their rear that is cool. Here is a variety of street signage that can be appropriately inked on ones Gluteus Maximus.

Wrong Way (arrow sign). 
No entry or enter.
EXIT.
Deliveries in rear.  
No Parking.
No left turns.
Mind the Gap.
Wide Load.
Dryclean only.
(Nike swoosh) Just Do it.
Hidden driveway.
a STOP sign.

etc.

December 22, 2008

THE ULTIMATE VACATION

Oh yeah, holiday season once again *sigh*.

IDEA # 013 - HOME RELAXATION

I want to bring home spa relaxation to a new level.
Massage chairs are nice, so is a sauna.  
For those tired overworked muscles have a massage. 
To cleanse and cure any mild illness with sweat take a sauna.

But wait......

What if you could roll a massage chair into the sauna with you. Better yet, not a leather chair that would get all gross and soggy and one whose electrical will not be on the fritz in the sauna.

A cedar and towel covered massage chair in an infrared sauna. Now that is the epitome of relaxation. Bring in some water chilled with cucumber or a gatorade, play some of your favorite tunes. The pleasure will have you leaving your body.

Trial: Cover a massage chair with poly, my parents had one they got at costco or some other such ridiculous store for way too cheap to use as their computer chair. The massage isn't that great but it is a place to start. 

I have seen people convert tents indoor into saunas. I didn't have to pop a tent in my living room because my previous shower was completely steel lined so I picked up a bunch or rare earth magnets at the dollar store and cut poly to fit overhead and the doorway. I used magnets to fasten the plastic rather than tape which would sweat off, plus the magnets allowed some air to be exchanged.  Instead of running the water on hot and being totally wasteful...I pulled in a vaporizer, you can find these use for around $2 or new for under $30. Basically this heats up water into steam and works great in small spaces, plus you can scent the water or use mint vapo rub if you are congested. Let it heat up a while.  

I had a little bamboo bench I used in the room but so much moisture eventually caused it to collapse, hence you need to protect the massage chair. You don't want to get electrocuted or end up on your ass, damp and regretful.

Add in one of those ionic foot baths that don't really do all that much or some foot massager, god I love a good foot rub! 

You have a reason NEVER TO LEAVE YOUR HOME.  

Video games, booze and pizza delivery, order clothes on the internet = taking recluse to a whole new level!

December 17, 2008

Badass Gangsta Sh*t!!!

If the San Andreas fault line causes the catastrophic loss of California, to still be living in Compton, you'd be swimming with the fishes. Now that is some Gangster Sh*t!!!


IDEA#12 - IN COMPTON SWIMMING WITH THE FISHES

I have been feeling a lot like Hank Moody lately.  Fucking and punching. Writing a blog about HelL.A. Californication (not trademarked by the Chili Pepper's) The city of angels has come up often, the scourge of the entire western world? Is that why the apocalypse is predicted, sinking in a fiery riot we loose the West's great celebrities to a tragic natural disaster. 

Goodbye Tom, Scarlett and Brad.

Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call L.A.
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away
Any fucking time. Any fucking day.
Learn to swim.

Mom's gonna fix it all soon. Mom's comin' round to pit it back the way it ought to be.


December 15, 2008

TRICK OR TREAT

IDEA # 011 - Cereal surprises

A number of interesting food related ideas....

First, I have two ideas to meld into one. First, instead of having lame prizes in children's cereal boxes or those little travel sized one with the barn door flaps, cereal should have orakaso/ origami bowls and mugs as prizes or games to cut out of the box. It would be fun and useful.

Another idea is to have gel liquid filled packages with animated floating objects in it. You know those pens with ships in them that move across when tipped? Well, CD's, books and cereal could use the same technique to animate their boxes. Imagine Lucky Charms cereal with actual lucky charms floating around the cover when you tip it to fill your bowl.  

What about the fad of holograms, why not bring back the 3D. I think it would be awesome to have polarize 3D everything, not just movies, but the whole aisle at the supermarket.  3d/3d shopping experience; fun, amazing and somewhat practical.

CLOTHES YOU CAN EAT!!!!  Clothes made out of food - edible fashion. I don't mean panties and fetish stuff, actual biodegradable seasonal fashion. Throw away or make it into a soup. A lot of our food products are very starchy or have strong cellulose or protein bonds that would be perfect for making up to date fashions and sturdy classics. Hell have a lasagna dress and dinner that night - yum;)

December 9, 2008

FULL OF SH*T

IDEA # 010 - SIDE MOUNTED TOILET PAPER ROLL

Though it may seem so simple and straight forward, I have never been in a place that had the toilet paper mounted on it's side. To me this makes the most sense. No hole in the wall with special insert is necessary with a side mount. I have seen the TP sitting on the back of the toilet countless times. Maybe even more than on the holder 'cause nobody like putting a new roll on for some reason.

There will be No reason to argue over which way the TP should be loaded, paper out or in, top or bottom or whichever way you look at it. The old myth being that one way prevents a small child from unravelling the whole roll.  By mounting TP sideways, It will catch and rip before the child has the chance to take the whole roll around the rest of the house.

The side mount is a simple, inexpensive wall mounted holder for Toilet Paper rolls. Taller rods can hold more rolls stacked if necessary. I bet the simplicity and efficiency of the side mount will reduce the amount of TP used. Need I say more?

December 5, 2008

ALL YOU CAN EAT!

We have this thing here every summer, one week of free breakfast = Stamped breakfast. Pancakes, sausages, eggs and coffee for all willing to line up early. Paid for by the city, a corporation or community group. Sounds good but after a week you get a little sick of the smell and taste. why not put our collective efforts to more good and build the ultimate tourist trap.

IDEA # 009 PANCAKE MOUNTAIN

Why hasn't anyone attempted to build an entire mountain out of pancakes?
Even a 1:16 scale mountain made out of pancakes to go with a tasty train set would be impressive.
Man has built giant dinosaurs, huge nickels and even enormous pierogies for road trip tourists and oddity afficianatos. I want to visit the pancake mountain. There would have to be a pipeline from Quebec to feed the need for maple syrup.

De Dutch Pannekoeke House. 
De Dutch Pannekoeke Mountain.

You can tobaggon down the icing sugar sprinkled slope.
You can canoe down the maple syrup river.
Use a giant donut as a floatation device.

Here is a basic pancake recipe for you to begin:

1 cup of flour. 1 egg. 1 cup buttermilk*. 1/4 cup of sugar. 1 teaspoon baking powder. 1 teaspoon baking soda. 1/4 cup vegetable oil. (*substitute 3/4c fat free half and half plus 1/4 cup of water instead of using buttermilk)

Toss all the ingredients together and blend. Cook on a hot griddle. Serve with your favorite toppings. Enjoy. 

Now, multiply the ingredients by tons and we can get started on the mountain. You may need half the flour export of Canada to begin. People could mountain climb the pancake and snack all the way up.

DIRTY THOUGHTS

IDEA #008 - A very dirty thought......

Having a bath and doing your dishes at the same time. 
Not just any dirty dishes either, in the tub washing the dishes from an incredibly saucy lasagna or after thanksgiving dinner. Globs of fat bobbing on the surface. Meat and noodle floating in the reddish brown water. Soaking into all the crevices and pores of your skin. Dirty!

and yet somehow appetizing. Dig in.

December 4, 2008

stupid idea I left on Jim's answering machine

ULTIMATE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIP 
PIZZA COOK-OFF CHALLENGE

Idea #7 - Pushing reality TV to the next level

Yes thats right!
they're not going to fight!
Unless when cutting the onions somebody starts crying.

They are in the octagon, creating gourmet pizzas!

December 3, 2008

GETTING AHEAD

IDEA #6 - Fantastic Exploding Head

Have you ever wanted to create a memorable drama in public, around friends and family? What would be more impressive than having your head explode at any random moment. Nobody would forget an event like that!

First you will need a strong metal cap or head covering.... like a helmet paired with a yamarkule.
Then pile some squibs on top of that, maybe even small firecrackers or fireworks for the explosion part of the illusion. A cable or remote trigger will be in your front pocket for when the moment strikes you to present the Fantastic Exploding Head.

On top of the charges will be blood effects and brain bits, chunks of torn condoms look great like skin and fake blood is so easy in inexpensive to make with food coloring and corn syrup/ glycerine. I have a liter standing by under my sink for special occasions.

Overtop the stuffed shell will be a skull cap and wig. To hide the bulging it would be good to be wearing a hat, plus more blood and guts can be stuffed up there for extra gore.

so now you are ready to leave the house and wait for the perfect moment to present your fantastic exploding head, like at a children's birthday party, while visiting family at the hospital, at a theatre or performance - you'll get the standing ovation, while talking to persons of authority= priests and police, While watching a TV- scanner style, while lined up at McDonald's...... the opportunities for fun are endless!!

December 2, 2008

CLIMBING THE LADDER

IDEA #5 - A LADDER BY ANY OTHER NAME

So, take a regular ladder, call it a 5 in 1 and use it for other things.

1. A ladder, climbing up and down.
2. A Portable bridge or monkey bars.
3. Lay it on it's side and make a small fence for a fat dog.
4. Drying Rack for your laundry.
5. Exercise Equipment, too simple to figure out.
++++++++++++++++++++++
6. bring it to court as a witness.
7.  Slapstick comedy routine prop.
8. Large Percussion instrument.
9. Spray paint stencil.
10. A Companion for lonely days.


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